March Madness

Are those tulips trying to grow behind me?

Yes, it's March in the Pacific Northwest and there is snow on the ground and it's 20 degrees out. Some people think this is madness. I think TWO and I are the only two beings in the entire region who are thrilled about this. But it's characteristic of this entire month for us. Nothing is as it is supposed to be.

I found a home for my cat, Maude, whom I love dearly. I rescued her 13 years ago and as with all my animals, I never thought I would give her up. But even if I don't take this job, her quality of life has suffered greatly with two monstrous dogs around and it's selfish of me to keep her when I have a loving home she can go to and get the attention she deserves. But I'll miss her more than I can say. I also sold my car. I found a property manager for my house. Hudson has been happily residing with Marcia full time although I miss him desperately as well. One would think, with all these loose ends tied up, I was on my way out. But I am not even close. That one large, white, fluffy hurdle still exists and I am far from thinking I can get over it. Some people think this is madness. I am paralyzed by indecision which is completely unlike me. But the pull is so strong and so equal from both sides of the question that I cannot make a decision I can live with although I have tried valiantly. A day will pass and at the end of it, I will resign myself to the bitter grief of giving up my dog but thinking that it is ultimately more important to take advantage of this perfect opportunity and go on with my life. And the following day will close and I will be resolute that I cannot give up my dog for anything and he is worth staying for in his own right. There has been no resolution and this is not a decision I want to make in a fit of pique. TWO however, has no idea why I sit around the house and cry at the sight of him and life goes on.

We have finally conquered the doggie door. After much shaping, luring and clicking, he will freely come in the door. Going out is a whole other training session but at least I am working less now as a doorman for him. It's rather amusing to watch as he sort of slithers through. He doesn't like the feel of the flap on his back so he lowers himself as flat as he can go to try to avoid the feeling and it's as though he is pouring himself through the opening. He thinks I am laughing in pleasure at his achievement when I am really laughing at how absurd he looks as he does doggie yoga to get through the door.

He stays weekly with my parents overnight in preparation for Turkmenistan. He has become accustomed to the routine there and is very comfortable now, to the extent that he will give small little licks to hands and faces if he is so inclined. He is so enamoured of them that if attention and love aren't immediately forthcoming, he will very gently and persistently harass them to death until it is. This can be with a sleight of paw, a nudge on the hand or the newest part of his personality to emerge, the bark moan. He is quite vocal these days, yodeling, talking and moaning to get attention. He is a remarkably social dog given his breed and background and he always wants to be where the action is, just so long as he has the option to leave. I think we are ready for vacation and I will have a clear conscience when I leave as I know he is at ease there.

We double his Prozac tomorrow which still brings him up far short of his recommended dose. I will nevertheless be watching carefully for any side effects or reactions. I do think that used in conjunction with T Touch, ds and cc, DAP diffuser etc. etc. it has made a significant difference in his ability to recover from events and react less severely to those things that trigger him. We continue with all his training but I am less driven than before because I simply can't carry that load on top of my daily stress and grief over what to do about job vs. dog.

Last week we saw Lori for T Touch. For the first time ever, he refused to even get out of the car when we arrived. He literally becomes like a bead of mercury - no form or structure, no bones at all and when I tried to lift him out of the car, he has the same nature as mercury and he slips away. It was heartbreaking to see him trust me enough to know I wouldn't hurt him but still look terrified, whites of his eyes showing, every sign of utter fear pervading him and when I touched him he cried but I knew he would never try to hurt me. I finally was able to lift him out the side door after giving him a break to calm down. After that though, he recovered with lightening speed and we made our way to Lori's backyard. He did amazingly well working with two points of contact, walking on a strange surface and practicing a low key T Touch ladder. Lori was able to touch him at times during this session and he took treats from her hand. There was no growling as during our first session and his level of stress was low enough that he could still perform what was asked. I was very pleased with how he did, especially given the start out of the gate.

At times like this, I can't even fathom giving him back. I was so proud of him and his potential is again, so much in evidence, that I think of leaving and never getting to see what I know he will become and I can't imagine it. My hopes for him are still very realistic. But I am also constantly amazed at how fast he picks things up and how much he likes to learn. It was incredibly rewarding to see him walk the path we constructed at T Touch and see him stop and think about what it was he was supposed to do and then perform it. When he is engaged in thinking, he cannot be engaged in fearful behaviors. I become consumed with the idea of all the ways we can challenge him and help him grow into a more confident dog and I can't imagine not being around to see it.

And yet each night that I go to work, I become consumed with idea of leaving, the endless possibilities if I take this job and the ramifications of giving up 10 years of my life for a dog. You see my dilemma? I have never been so torn in my life and it would of course, be over an animal! I know that at some point, an event or experience will prove to be the decisive factor that will throw me to one side or another. Ironically, if this dog were a socially well adjusted dog that didn't have all these issues, I would have far fewer qualms about letting him go because I know he would easily find a good home. But the idea of trying to explain to someone all his quirks, all you need to know about him that I have learned, sometimes painfully, over the last 4 months, only makes it harder to give him up. There are very few people out there who would want to, or have the ability to, handle him. And the longer I take to make this decision, the harder it becomes because there is more I have learned about him, more attached I have become to him, more a part of my life and routine than ever. There is no winning in this place that seems to have no way out. If I knew he had waiting, a perfect life on a rural farm in the country side with someone who could and would love him as I do, I would be far more willing to let him go but that has been so hard to come by. Indeed, if that were out there, he would probably have been there long before I came along.

So while I've lined up the rest of my life for a job change and a move overseas, TWO just won't get in line and I don't know that I want him to. While I struggle with this and weigh everything interminably, he has been having a wonderful time coming to work with me, walking and running before work, walking on the trails after work and enjoying our routine. He actually runs downstairs to wait by the garage door when he realizes it's almost time to go in my "getting ready for work" mode at home. He leaps into the car, something I never thought I'd see, and he sits perfectly aligned facing backwards watching everything out the rear window. He loves the new car as there is so much space back there and it's a dog chariot outfitted with two dog beds, water and a bully stick. He is evidently so comfortable that when I go to check on him throughout the night, he is sound asleep as I gaze in at him and he doesn't stir unless I tap on the window. My initial qualms about bringing him to work have been fully allayed at this point and god forbid I leave him at home because before I can even get the door closed, the keening and wailing starts. You'd think I was pulling out his toenails one by one. There is no denying his excitement when he knows we are going. Despite all his other issues, he is very unlike most Maremmas in a lot of ways. And that's why I love him so much. He is a constant surprise and he has so much character under that layer of fear and insecurity and it comes out more and more as we conquer those things. So much for my dog that should be euthanized. I think that is madness.

TWO and I say madness is just another point of view.