Fate

I've decided to leave Baby's future to fate. After great thought, endless mental propositions, considerations and possible solutions, putting Hudson to sleep finally gave me the insight I needed to make a decision about Baby. Although I have by no means gotten over losing Hudson - not a day goes by that I don't spend at least an hour in tears, usually at the most unexpected and tenuous strand of memory - the one thing that has given me some solace is knowing that for Hudson, we were the absolute perfect life for him. He was the kind of dog that wanted to be with people 24/7, wanted to be taken everywhere with us, loved activities, the outdoors, traveling, etc. and he had all that and more for the last 5 years of his life. If he had been able to write his dream life on his cage door, I am certain that would have been it and we loved every minute of giving it to him.

So that set the standard. If I have Baby til the end of his life, I want to know that he had a life that he dreamed of and it was exactly the life he would have wanted. Of course Baby requires a wholly different life than Hudson's - it would be lived on a farm or a acreage in a rural area where it's quiet, there are few or no visitors, life is very predictable and stable, there are no men and there are plenty of animals for comfort. He would have free rein on the fenced property but have a woman who loves him to come inside and snuggle with on the sofa as he does with me while I read. He wouldn't be pushed too hard, tried to be made something he's not and treated with endless patience and acceptance.

While I offer him many of those things, I cannot offer him the space to roam or the stable, predictable routine. It may be several years before I can even think of buying a house on land of the sort that he needs. He has adjusted fairly well to my crazy work routine but it's not ideal. Thus I decided that in fairness to him, we should make one more effort to find that ideal home. I love him so much that my conscience will not let me keep him unless we have tried every last avenue to find that life that would be his version of paradise. Big Heart Rescue has agreed to post him on their website and see if that ideal home can be found. I am dubious - it is the home they searched for for 13 months before I came along and I was the closest thing to that home they found.

Which leads me to the fate part of it. If we cannot find the home, and I am unwilling to relinquish him to anything less, I will happily keep my Baby and fate will have made the call. I don't doubt that he is happy with me. He is extremely attached to me and I to him. We are with each other constantly and I can at least provide a home that is quiet, without men, that caters to his every need and that essentially revolves around him. If he stays with me, I think he will lead a good and loved life and I will do all I can to provide him with the home he dreams of.

I think he would be more happy on a farm in a rural area and if that can be found only along with all the other requirements, I would give him up for his sake despite the hole he will leave in my life. Baby is an extremely difficult, challenging dog. He is nothing like Hudson for which I am most grateful. There can never be another Hudson and Baby has given me a whole new perspective and appreciation for his qualities and my love for him is just as great in a very different way. It has taken these 6 months for me to adapt to him and his fears, quirks and issues. But when I think back on this surreal winter, we have both come an immeasurable distance. If Baby finds his ideal home, I will shed tears yet again, this time over losing him. If that home does not emerge, I will keep him, love him and learn from him in the same way I have for the last 6 months. Either way, he will never go through what he did as a pup again and I will know that when his time comes too, my solace will be that, just like Hudson, he had the best life he could have wished for.