Meltdowns, Breakdowns and Down Stays

So maybe I need the Prozac more than TWO these days. Finally overwhelmed with it all, I had a breakdown today of second thoughts, fantasies of taking him back to Big Heart and throwing up my hands in defeat. But when I start to give in and think defeat might be my only option, TWO looks at me, sensitive as always to my mood and I can see the depth of his attachment to me and I can't even think about giving him to someone else. In spite of working full time, my volunteer responsibilities, taking care of the house, yard, car, another dog, a cat and life in general, TWO has taken over the majority of my waking moments which I realize now cannot continue if this is to be a successful endeavor. It is impossible for me to maintain what I have been maintaining for the past 3 months so I have had to readjust my thinking before I lose my mind completely.

Although I lose sleep over him not getting enough exercise, not doing all the prescribed training all the time etc. I realize that his most happy, relaxed moments are lying with me on the sofa while I read. It takes so little for him to be happy and most of it is simply my presence. He is never left outside, never cold, hungry, neglected or left utterly alone as the cat is always here. He is doted upon and bones, bully sticks and toys are heaped upon him. I know that some days we just won't be able to go for a walk at all because he refuses to proceed and I have learned not be frustrated or disappointed by that. I have learned to be pleasantly surprised if we DO succeed. Some days he will get out more and be more stimulated by the world and others he will be left in this giant kennel called the house. Some days I can work with him at length and some days I can only fall into bed because I am so exhausted from trying to do everything else on my own. But his devotion and love are always evident and that's what stops me from thinking I should not have taken on a dog this difficult.

Selfishly, I think who else would give him what I have given him and devoted so much time, energy and money to this dog? Intellectually I know someone could be found but the idea of putting him through another change let alone coming home to a house devoid of him is unthinkable. So I only fantasize about selling my car and house, giving the animals away and moving overseas to do something more interesting than what I do now. In the meantime, he teaches me something new every day.

We started the Prozac a week ago and aside from a slight loss of appetite, he seems no worse for the wear. Already it seems to me that his edges have been slightly softened. He is even more attached and devoted to me than usual, sleeping on my bed which he did only once before when I first got him, following me ceaselessly through the house, constantly wanting to lie in my lap and get attention and love. On the few walks we have actually completed, we passed quite close to several men as the road was not that wide and he showed no reaction at all. He took note of them but not unduly and no growling or freezing. It's hard to tell if this is just random or the result of the Prozac which is theoretically at very subtherapeutic levels now. However, he could also be very sensitive to it and it may in fact be having some effect. I am pleased so far however and will continue to chart his progress on it.

Books as always, remain my greatest haven from all the recent chaos including the pain from my accident. I recently finished the following two:




Water for Elephants is a beach book. Well written enough to not be a trashy beach book but one that you will finish within a day or two and will hook you from the first page. The Story of Edgar Sawtelle is more complex. It's relatively easy reading - you won't need the dictionary and you can put it down for a few days and not forget what happened in the previous pages but some of it is a little forced in order to push the plot through the way the author wants it to. There isn't the ease of writing that you see in a true classic as this is billed to become by some. There's also the fact that it's on Oprah's Book Club which book snobs like me tend to see less as a recommendation and more as a warning but it's worth reading nonetheless. Enough to drown out the feeling of being totally consumed by the quotidian chores of life which are weighing on me, at any rate.

And just because I'm having a meltdown about life, doesn't mean the dogs have to as well so off they went, back to the rent-a-park last week with Samson, my parents' Newfie. A couple photos:

Watching in envy as Samson begged for treats.

Samson moving as fast as he is capable.

And that ends this week's edition of how to have a dog take over your life. We will be more balanced by the next post. Or dead from exhaustion. One or the other...